Generally women all over the world are considered complete only after they achieve motherhood and wifehood, particularly in the Eastern community. This certainly puts pressure to most women who haven’t adhered to this shallow standard of women evaluation. Don’t get me wrong, getting married and raising kids are indeed wonderful and special. But to label women who haven’t been able to achieve these milestones as incomplete and lacking is unreasonable and rude.
Phases
Being single at the age that has
long passed the ideal woman marriageable age, I could really resonate with this
insecure feeling of unwanted and low self-esteem among the single women. Due to people’s pressure, women sometimes feel
rushed to get married especially after seeing their friends getting hitched one
after another. How could you blame them when there are people right left and
centre keep telling them that they might lose the chance if they don’t get
married as soon as possible. When I was 25, I personally heard a fellow worker,
a woman herself, saying, “If a woman doesn’t get married by the age of 25, most
probably she won’t get married ever.” Well this happened so many years ago, the
ideal age may have increased now, but I believe you readers get the point.
And if a lady remains single, she
will get used to it, will start to adapt living alone and she may end up
thinking that she doesn’t need a spouse anymore, which is where this could go
wrong, because after all who are we to decide what’s best for us. It’s ok to
entertain the idea of living alone comfortably until you die but let Allah
decide that for you. Humility is the key because we are only His slaves.
Spend time wisely
One of the things that the
married ladies keep telling the single ladies is to enjoy single life with
leisure, go travel or hang out with friends at the pretext that the ladies
can’t do that anymore after marriage. Of course, enjoying life with all those
activities is all well and good. But remember that death comes to everyone:
married, single, divorced and widowed, and it may come unexpectedly.
Generally singles have more
flexible time, and of course there are exceptions. Anyway, the point that I
want to emphasize for the single ladies is to make use of the time to get close
to Allah as much as possible. Attend Islamic classes, seek beneficial
knowledge, do lots of volunteering, serve people around you and always think of
how you could increase your good deeds for the benefit in the akhirah. When you
are in your 20s, you would think 30s is so far away. Time passes by, and you
reach the 30s, and without realizing it, you are already in your 40s. Time
flies by so fast, we really have no time for indulging in our desires. We need
to stock up on our good deeds as this worldly life is just one dot of an
infinity line which is the hereafter.
Right to choose
People may try to match make you
with any possible single man if they could get the chance. To the point that as
long as the guy is single, they tell you that you should marry him. It seems
like just because you are aging, you just have to grab any single guy
(sometimes worse, they even tell you to become someone’s second wife), forget
about compatibility and how you feel about him as long as you get a husband.
Please don’t fall prey to this ridiculous notion.
Remember you have the right
to choose, no matter how old you are. Your feeling is very important; after all
we are talking about a person that could possibly live with you for the rest of
your life. But after you have decided, take responsibility and don’t regret it.
Either you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not, don’t play victim. Don’t
get married for the sake of getting rid of your single status. Most
importantly, don’t be ashamed of your status if you have done nothing wrong. Be
an adult and own your life with pride.
Never give up
I don’t really agree with some ‘religious’
talks that promote the idea of the reason why some women are still single
because they are not solehah enough. Of course, all women are not perfect,
married or unmarried. But I could vouch that most single Muslim ladies actually
do abide by the Islamic rules, preserve their modesty and try their best to
become solehah women. So I find such talks are rude and insensitive, sorry. Such
talks just make the single ladies becoming more demotivated and feeling useless.
To be honest, I had given up on the
idea of marriage many times but fortunately I found two talks by my two favourite
Ustazahs that managed to shift my paradigm, Alhamdulillah. The first talk is by Ustazah Datuk Dr
Norhafizah Musa. She told a story about a single, never married 60 year old
woman whom she met while doing umrah.
The woman asked Ustazah, “Ustazah,
I haven’t made doa about getting married since I was 40 years old. Is it wrong
for me not to make doa?”
Ustazah replied, “Just make doa
until death comes.” And she also mentioned the story about Prophet Zakaria A.S.
who kept making doa in asking for a child even though his wife was barren.
The point is, our job is to keep
making doa because we are His slaves. Even if you feel like there’s no chance
of getting married at all, please be careful not to undermine His Power. Remember
He Could Do anything but it’s up to Him to do it or not.
Another talk is by Ustazah Asma Harun.
Ustazah said, “Some people are blessed with spouses and some people remain
single until the end of their lives even though they keep making doa seeking
for spouse. Maybe because of their unanswered doa in this dunya, Allah replaces
it with something much better in the hereafter.” The thought of having
something much better in the hereafter really comforts me, provided I have to
be patient and always have faith in Him.
Total reliance on Allah
Another thing that the singles
may have learned earlier than their married friends is: accepting the fact that
everyone will be alone ultimately. Even if you have kids and spouse, there is
no guarantee that they will take care of you when you get older. At the end of
the day, you should put your trust only in Allah. The singles realize about
this early on and may have prepared themselves mentally and spiritually better.
To sum up this writing, it’s all
about accepting what Allah has decreed for you, whatever your circumstances
are. And remember to respect each other.