Being Single Is Not A Failure

Generally women all over the world are considered complete only after they achieve motherhood and wifehood, particularly in the Eastern community. This certainly puts pressure to most women who haven’t adhered to this shallow standard of women evaluation. Don’t get me wrong, getting married and raising kids are indeed wonderful and special. But to label women who haven’t been able to achieve these milestones as incomplete and lacking is unreasonable and rude.

Phases

Being single at the age that has long passed the ideal woman marriageable age, I could really resonate with this insecure feeling of unwanted and low self-esteem among the single women.  Due to people’s pressure, women sometimes feel rushed to get married especially after seeing their friends getting hitched one after another. How could you blame them when there are people right left and centre keep telling them that they might lose the chance if they don’t get married as soon as possible. When I was 25, I personally heard a fellow worker, a woman herself, saying, “If a woman doesn’t get married by the age of 25, most probably she won’t get married ever.” Well this happened so many years ago, the ideal age may have increased now, but I believe you readers get the point.

And if a lady remains single, she will get used to it, will start to adapt living alone and she may end up thinking that she doesn’t need a spouse anymore, which is where this could go wrong, because after all who are we to decide what’s best for us. It’s ok to entertain the idea of living alone comfortably until you die but let Allah decide that for you. Humility is the key because we are only His slaves.

Spend time wisely

One of the things that the married ladies keep telling the single ladies is to enjoy single life with leisure, go travel or hang out with friends at the pretext that the ladies can’t do that anymore after marriage. Of course, enjoying life with all those activities is all well and good. But remember that death comes to everyone: married, single, divorced and widowed, and it may come unexpectedly.

Generally singles have more flexible time, and of course there are exceptions. Anyway, the point that I want to emphasize for the single ladies is to make use of the time to get close to Allah as much as possible. Attend Islamic classes, seek beneficial knowledge, do lots of volunteering, serve people around you and always think of how you could increase your good deeds for the benefit in the akhirah. When you are in your 20s, you would think 30s is so far away. Time passes by, and you reach the 30s, and without realizing it, you are already in your 40s. Time flies by so fast, we really have no time for indulging in our desires. We need to stock up on our good deeds as this worldly life is just one dot of an infinity line which is the hereafter.

Right to choose

People may try to match make you with any possible single man if they could get the chance. To the point that as long as the guy is single, they tell you that you should marry him. It seems like just because you are aging, you just have to grab any single guy (sometimes worse, they even tell you to become someone’s second wife), forget about compatibility and how you feel about him as long as you get a husband. Please don’t fall prey to this ridiculous notion. 

Remember you have the right to choose, no matter how old you are. Your feeling is very important; after all we are talking about a person that could possibly live with you for the rest of your life. But after you have decided, take responsibility and don’t regret it. Either you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not, don’t play victim. Don’t get married for the sake of getting rid of your single status. Most importantly, don’t be ashamed of your status if you have done nothing wrong. Be an adult and own your life with pride.

Never give up

I don’t really agree with some ‘religious’ talks that promote the idea of the reason why some women are still single because they are not solehah enough. Of course, all women are not perfect, married or unmarried. But I could vouch that most single Muslim ladies actually do abide by the Islamic rules, preserve their modesty and try their best to become solehah women. So I find such talks are rude and insensitive, sorry. Such talks just make the single ladies becoming more demotivated and feeling useless.

To be honest, I had given up on the idea of marriage many times but fortunately I found two talks by my two favourite Ustazahs that managed to shift my paradigm, Alhamdulillah.  The first talk is by Ustazah Datuk Dr Norhafizah Musa. She told a story about a single, never married 60 year old woman whom she met while doing umrah.

The woman asked Ustazah, “Ustazah, I haven’t made doa about getting married since I was 40 years old. Is it wrong for me not to make doa?”

Ustazah replied, “Just make doa until death comes.” And she also mentioned the story about Prophet Zakaria A.S. who kept making doa in asking for a child even though his wife was barren.

The point is, our job is to keep making doa because we are His slaves. Even if you feel like there’s no chance of getting married at all, please be careful not to undermine His Power. Remember He Could Do anything but it’s up to Him to do it or not.

Another talk is by Ustazah Asma Harun. Ustazah said, “Some people are blessed with spouses and some people remain single until the end of their lives even though they keep making doa seeking for spouse. Maybe because of their unanswered doa in this dunya, Allah replaces it with something much better in the hereafter.” The thought of having something much better in the hereafter really comforts me, provided I have to be patient and always have faith in Him.

Total reliance on Allah

Another thing that the singles may have learned earlier than their married friends is: accepting the fact that everyone will be alone ultimately. Even if you have kids and spouse, there is no guarantee that they will take care of you when you get older. At the end of the day, you should put your trust only in Allah. The singles realize about this early on and may have prepared themselves mentally and spiritually better.

To sum up this writing, it’s all about accepting what Allah has decreed for you, whatever your circumstances are. And remember to respect each other. 

Purnama Merindu

source: Google Image

Selaku Gen-X, saya tidak tahu apa lagu popular dan siapa penyanyi yang terkenal sekarang. Saya cuma kenal Dato' Seri Siti Nurhaliza dan yang seangkatan dengannya. Itupun cuma tahu lagu beliau yang lama-lama, tetapi walaupun sudah lebih 20 tahun, Allahu lirik-lirik lagu beliau masih melekat dalam kepala.

Sebab itulah masa muda kena banyak hafaz Quran dan menuntut ilmu kerana ketika itu otak masih kuat menyerap. Bukan senang nak buang lirik-lirik lagu zaman jahiliah dalam kepala ini walau sudah lama. Antara lirik lagu yang saya masih ingat ialah daripada lagu Purnama Merindu. (aik makcik ni nak mengimbau zaman muda mudi jahiliah ke apa? sabar, baca sampai habis dulu)

Berikut ialah lirik korusnya:

Purnama mengambang cuma berteman

Bintang berkelipan dan juga awan

Siapa tahu rindu yang mencengkam

Di hatiku

Aku meminta pada yang ada

Aku merindu pada yang kasih

Aku merayu padamu yang sudi

Merinduku

Memang ini lagu cinta manusia, tetapi jika saya perhatikan betul-betul liriknya, ia boleh jadi lagu munajat kepada Tuhan. Seperti lagu Ketulusan Hati oleh Anuar Zain (penyanyi lama juga), yang akhirnya digunakan sebagai lagu latar belakang video munajat kepada Allah di Astro Oasis dan juga diputarkan di IKIMfm sebagai lagu ketuhanan.

Lirik korus Purnama Merindu boleh saja dikaitkan dengan suasana malam yang hening, waktu paling indah untuk bermunajat, mengadu dengan Allah. Setelah lelah menggapai cinta manusia yang lemah, tidak berbalas, hati yang lara dan remuk, hanya Allah Maha Memahami. Hanya Allah yang sentiasa Ada untuk kita, hanya Allah yang sentiasa menantikan doa kita, merinduinya. Hanya Allah yang sentiasa Maha Mendengar luahan kita, tanpa syarat. Gejolakkan rasa pengharapan hanya kepadaNya, rasa rindu membuak-buak kepadaNya. Itulah Purnama Merindu yang sebenar 

Letters to Home: A Glimpse of Da'wah Potential

I don’t really plan when I shop for books, sometimes I would just pick books randomly based on my instincts, and this is one of the books that I bought randomly and I don’t regret buying it. I love to explore the Malaysian authors section of English books and that was how I found this book. This book consists of collection of essays written by young Malaysians studying abroad and it was published in 2018.  As the book promo says, 24 universities. 7 countries. 1 hope. These are the voices of young Malaysians all over the world--penning down their dreams, fears, concerns, aspirations, and hope to our nation, our home. This book actually won 3rd prize (non-fiction category) in the Readers Choice Award 2018!

But I’m not going to comment about the technical or literature aspects of it, instead I will talk about how the contents make me think about a lot of things especially about our beloved country, Malaysia. Interestingly the essays in this book are written by authors of different Malaysian ethnicity and races, so there are many views expressed in this book that might be a little bit intimidating. For example, they talk about ‘Ketuanan Melayu’, something taboo and can be considered hot button for the Malays. They also talk about equal rights and meritocracy. Why this book appeals to me is because I don’t have non-Muslim Malaysian close friends. I went to a Malay kampung primary school, and then I went to Islamic high school. Then I got enrolled in Islamic university, got a job in Malay dominated work place but Alhamdulillah I got to experience living in a non Muslim country for several years, and I have gained some non Muslim close friends, but they are not Malaysians. So some of the views of Malaysian non Muslims is quite hard for me to accept at first.

Again I want to stress that I’m not about discussing which view is right or wrong. But I want to emphasize the idea of staying calm when you are presented with views that you don’t agree with. It can’t be denied that interracial relationship in Malaysia is civil enough yet it’s far from perfect. There are many hidden frustrations and misunderstandings. So I believe more honest and proper engagement and interactions are needed. On social media, there are so many negativities, people are so easily triggered when it comes to race issues. I would like share something that I once heard on Ikimfm radio. A speaker shared his experience replying to a Facebook post during the fasting month by a non-Muslim Malaysian. 

The post is something like this, “Hey, I want to break fast with bak kut teh (pork-based dish)” 

The post was definitely provocative and it enraged a lot of Muslims, they replied to him angrily and it just made the non Muslim guy becoming more provocative. 

So the radio speaker tried replying to him calmly like this, 

“Hi, we can’t break fast with pork. But how about we break fast together and I will treat you.”

The non Muslim guy was so impressed with the speaker’s reply, especially the speaker’s profile picture definitely looks like an ustaz. 

So he replied, “this is the first time someone like you talk to me this way. How about this, let me treat you instead at a halal restaurant.” 

So you see being calm really helps in resolving the matter. Of course we can’t allow people to condemn our religion, but first of all we have to stay calm and listen. Try to talk reason first. If all fails, then take firm action, report to authorities. But don’t curse, don’t use harsh words, don’t condemn their belief in making our points across. As Stephen Covey said, seek first to understand, then to be understood.

There are 2 types of da’wah: da’wah bil lisan da’wah bil hal. with words and through actions. I personally believe that da’wah bil hal is more effective. I had lived with a non Muslim housemate for more than a year. Yes, we talked about religion, culture but most of the times I just tried to be a good friend, practising Islam and introduced her to the Muslim community. One day she told me, after living with you I think you have shown a good example of a good Muslim. I’m not telling this story to show off, rather I want to share a testimony of the effectiveness of da’wah bil hal. If they like your character, they will surely listen to whatever you say insya Allah. Whether they accept Islam, that’s another story. But first, you have given them a good image of islam.

Of course, there are extremists in every group, race and religion. But most of us are just normal people who want to live in peace. Just assume that they are normal people first, and they turn out to be difficult to handle with, resort to stricter measures. Let us together try to spread the words of Allah by embodying the real teachings of Islam not just ritually, but in every aspect of life. Be honest, work hard, be punctual, don’t throw rubbish everywhere, drive safely on the road, take care of the environment. All these may sound trivial, but that’s what Islam is all about, integrity in everything. Of course don’t forget, keep calm.