Being Single Is Not A Failure

Generally women all over the world are considered complete only after they achieve motherhood and wifehood, particularly in the Eastern community. This certainly puts pressure to most women who haven’t adhered to this shallow standard of women evaluation. Don’t get me wrong, getting married and raising kids are indeed wonderful and special. But to label women who haven’t been able to achieve these milestones as incomplete and lacking is unreasonable and rude.

Phases

Being single at the age that has long passed the ideal woman marriageable age, I could really resonate with this insecure feeling of unwanted and low self-esteem among the single women.  Due to people’s pressure, women sometimes feel rushed to get married especially after seeing their friends getting hitched one after another. How could you blame them when there are people right left and centre keep telling them that they might lose the chance if they don’t get married as soon as possible. When I was 25, I personally heard a fellow worker, a woman herself, saying, “If a woman doesn’t get married by the age of 25, most probably she won’t get married ever.” Well this happened so many years ago, the ideal age may have increased now, but I believe you readers get the point.

And if a lady remains single, she will get used to it, will start to adapt living alone and she may end up thinking that she doesn’t need a spouse anymore, which is where this could go wrong, because after all who are we to decide what’s best for us. It’s ok to entertain the idea of living alone comfortably until you die but let Allah decide that for you. Humility is the key because we are only His slaves.

Spend time wisely

One of the things that the married ladies keep telling the single ladies is to enjoy single life with leisure, go travel or hang out with friends at the pretext that the ladies can’t do that anymore after marriage. Of course, enjoying life with all those activities is all well and good. But remember that death comes to everyone: married, single, divorced and widowed, and it may come unexpectedly.

Generally singles have more flexible time, and of course there are exceptions. Anyway, the point that I want to emphasize for the single ladies is to make use of the time to get close to Allah as much as possible. Attend Islamic classes, seek beneficial knowledge, do lots of volunteering, serve people around you and always think of how you could increase your good deeds for the benefit in the akhirah. When you are in your 20s, you would think 30s is so far away. Time passes by, and you reach the 30s, and without realizing it, you are already in your 40s. Time flies by so fast, we really have no time for indulging in our desires. We need to stock up on our good deeds as this worldly life is just one dot of an infinity line which is the hereafter.

Right to choose

People may try to match make you with any possible single man if they could get the chance. To the point that as long as the guy is single, they tell you that you should marry him. It seems like just because you are aging, you just have to grab any single guy (sometimes worse, they even tell you to become someone’s second wife), forget about compatibility and how you feel about him as long as you get a husband. Please don’t fall prey to this ridiculous notion. 

Remember you have the right to choose, no matter how old you are. Your feeling is very important; after all we are talking about a person that could possibly live with you for the rest of your life. But after you have decided, take responsibility and don’t regret it. Either you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not, don’t play victim. Don’t get married for the sake of getting rid of your single status. Most importantly, don’t be ashamed of your status if you have done nothing wrong. Be an adult and own your life with pride.

Never give up

I don’t really agree with some ‘religious’ talks that promote the idea of the reason why some women are still single because they are not solehah enough. Of course, all women are not perfect, married or unmarried. But I could vouch that most single Muslim ladies actually do abide by the Islamic rules, preserve their modesty and try their best to become solehah women. So I find such talks are rude and insensitive, sorry. Such talks just make the single ladies becoming more demotivated and feeling useless.

To be honest, I had given up on the idea of marriage many times but fortunately I found two talks by my two favourite Ustazahs that managed to shift my paradigm, Alhamdulillah.  The first talk is by Ustazah Datuk Dr Norhafizah Musa. She told a story about a single, never married 60 year old woman whom she met while doing umrah.

The woman asked Ustazah, “Ustazah, I haven’t made doa about getting married since I was 40 years old. Is it wrong for me not to make doa?”

Ustazah replied, “Just make doa until death comes.” And she also mentioned the story about Prophet Zakaria A.S. who kept making doa in asking for a child even though his wife was barren.

The point is, our job is to keep making doa because we are His slaves. Even if you feel like there’s no chance of getting married at all, please be careful not to undermine His Power. Remember He Could Do anything but it’s up to Him to do it or not.

Another talk is by Ustazah Asma Harun. Ustazah said, “Some people are blessed with spouses and some people remain single until the end of their lives even though they keep making doa seeking for spouse. Maybe because of their unanswered doa in this dunya, Allah replaces it with something much better in the hereafter.” The thought of having something much better in the hereafter really comforts me, provided I have to be patient and always have faith in Him.

Total reliance on Allah

Another thing that the singles may have learned earlier than their married friends is: accepting the fact that everyone will be alone ultimately. Even if you have kids and spouse, there is no guarantee that they will take care of you when you get older. At the end of the day, you should put your trust only in Allah. The singles realize about this early on and may have prepared themselves mentally and spiritually better.

To sum up this writing, it’s all about accepting what Allah has decreed for you, whatever your circumstances are. And remember to respect each other.